My baby in Heaven

I am going to be writing about something very personal to me. I keep having the thought pop into my head that I should write this post, maybe it is for myself, maybe it will help someone else,I do not know but I cannot stop thinking about it.

I have a perfect baby here on Earth with me and I have a perfect baby waiting for me in Heaven. I cannot describe in words my love for them both.  I never got to meet my first baby but I could feel her spirit when she was inside of me. (I was not far enough along to know what gender the baby was but I have always felt  like it was a girl)

I never really understood miscarriage before it happened to me.  I thought that they were rare and that they mostly happened to women who had other health problems or who were older.  I never even imagined that I would lose a baby when I was perfectly healthy at 22 years old. 

When my husband and I decided we were ready to have a baby I got pregnant right away.  We were so excited! We started planning everything immediately.  The baby would be due on Christmas Eve, we planned how to announce it to our families and on Facebook.  I felt a little apprehensive about telling people too early so we decided to wait until the First Trimester was almost over.  

Then, one night, I started spotting blood, we looked it up online and saw that it was potentially normal for the first trimester, we decided to call the doctor in the morning just in case.  When I woke up the next morning I had the most heartbreaking feeling, I felt alone in my body. I knew she was gone. I hadn't realized that I felt a presence from her tiny spirit until I felt the void.

We went to the doctor and an ultrasound confirmed our fears, a tiny body but no heartbeat. They said it was possible that since the baby (fetus) was so small the ultrasound just wasn't picking up the heartbeat.They would take some blood to test my hormone levels. Then I would have more blood taken in two days to see if the hormones went up or down.  The waiting and sliver of hope were almost unbearable. 

All of the doctors and nurses kept telling us how common early miscarriages are, they happen to healthy women all of the time, there was nothing wrong with me etc.  I kept thinking, if it is so normal why  haven't I heard of anyone having one? I only personally know one woman who has lost her baby and it was around five months because of pre-existing health problems. I felt alone.  My husband was there for me completely but I felt like I was the only woman I knew who had experienced this.

A few days after the spotting had started I felt the physical pain.  I knew the pregnancy was over. Even though I felt like her spirit had left me days before it was still very hard on me. I felt like I couldn't tell anyone, like everyone would think I had something wrong with me or wouldn't be able to ever get pregnant.  I was afraid of that too.  I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, I thought it would only make me more sad to know that people were sad for me.  

Looking back now I realize that it would have helped me to know of someone else who had experienced a miscarriage, just to talk to someone who had been in my shoes. I read other women's blog posts on their loss' and it helped me to get past the grief.  

Putting this out there for everyone to know my very personal experience seems strange to me but I know that it is helping me and I sincerely hope that it can help someone else who might have the same experience or feel like they are the only one going through something. You are not alone and I am more than willing to talk about it with you :)

When I was emotionally ready to try for another baby I was extremely grateful that I got pregnant right away again. I was terrified to tell people that I was pregnant.  I was terrified that it would happen again but I have been blessed with a beautiful baby boy and I appreciate that fact every day. 

It was hard to not get to keep my baby here on Earth with me but  I believe with my whole heart that my little baby is waiting in Heaven for me and I know that I will get to be with her after this life.